Tag Archives: mental illness

Weekly Update #41

Today I actually had motivation. I wanted to get things done. It’s a change from what feels like my usual lethargy, and a welcome one at that! I got so much done today – I checked everything off my dauntingly long to-do list!

This sudden burst of productivity makes me want to just keep chugging on and plow through this depression-based lack of energy. I’m hoping this marks an upturn in my mood, but if not, maybe accomplishing small goals every day will help me manage this illness.

Today, I cleaned my living space, played a little Minecraft with M, switched my sheets from my spring/summer cotton to my amazing,y comfortable fall/winter flannel sheets and washed my comforter for the first time in probably two months.

I also started on the second of four cross stitches that I’m making for friends and family for Christmas. Trying to get an early start this year since needlework isn’t all I’m crafting. Also, it’s hard to craft things for people when I live with them and share the space that I need to craft in with them.

The other thing I started working on is revamping my blog. My goal is to have everything redone by the start of 2015. By everything, I mean redoing the layout, the pages, the posting schedule, the post structure itself, even redefining my blog. I’m basically aiming for a fresh blogging start for the upcoming new year. It gives me something to work towards.

Other than that, I floorwalked a bunch this past week and will hopefully do it a bunch more in this upcoming week. I also have my fingers crossed for a possible interview on Monday for a promotion within the company. So, we’ll see how this all goes.

Stay tuned to find out!

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Anti-D

If you’ve been keeping up with my more-sparce-than-usual-lately blog, then you know that I was on an antidepressant called Fetzima from February of this year until the end of September, when my prescription ran out and my financial situation and a switch in insurance forced me into a tough choice to go without the medication.

It’s been a rough time.  At first it wasn’t too bad, but day by day I feel the mental illness creeping back in, making itself at home in the familiar crevices of my mind.  I’m more irritable and I feel like crying at the drop of a hat.  Negativity clouds my every thought.

This makes it hard not only for me, but for the people around me.  I do a pretty good job of keeping it together at work, but my significant other has a time of it, too, just by living with me.  M really does his best, though, and I love him for it.

M’s actually the reason I’m holding it together so well.  He understands what I need when the depression takes an especially firm grasp.  He doesn’t tell me to “just cheer up” or to “get over it,” he lets me feel whatever feeling that I’m feeling – however strongly it needs to be felt.  Whether I’m crying over wanting to heat up the cheese dip for my chips or overly annoyed with the cats being cats, he doesn’t tell me that I’m overreacting or that I need to calm down or get over it.

In fact, when I do get irritated at tiny, insignificant things and take it out on him – “M, why do you always just kick your shoes off and never put them away” or “Do you always have to put your coat on in such a weird way?” – he doesn’t take it personally.  He complies in situations that call for it, like putting his shoes away.  Or he calls me out on it, like telling me I’m being hurtful.  His honesty helps keep me grounded.

His honesty when I’m being hurtful and his validation of my feelings helps me keep my emotions in check and helps me manage my depression.  I really do appreciate M standing by me as I live with this illness.  He’s so supportive and I wouldn’t be handling being off of medication as well without him.  He’s like a real life antidepressant, and I love him for it.

Here’s a song that I’d like to dedicate to M.  I know it’s rough to deal with me when I get lost in my own head.  This video is a tribute to M and to the fact that while medication does help many people, it’s not the only thing that I need to treat my depression.  I need love, and M, you give it to me.

Without further ado, Anti-D by The Wombats:

Blogging With Depression

I am not shy about talking about my depression.  In previous posts, I go into great detail about my struggle in dealing with depression.  I’ve been blogging for a little over a year now, and I’ve been through various phases of depression, with and without meds.  Currently, I am now off of the medication I’ve been taking since February, Fetzima.

Unmedicated, I have to relearn how to manage my depression.  It does affect my blog.  I have no motivation anymore to do much else aside from sleep and mindlessly watch TV.  Since I’ve yet to get the hang of scheduling posts, I still blog on a day-by-day basis of posting.  A post doesn’t go live unless I write it that day.

Even now, it is a struggle to make myself type out a post.  My bed is right behind me, I have Ghost Adventures playing in the background.  I want nothing more than to curl up under my covers and just stare at the TV screen.  I know I won’t really register the show.  I’m fine with that.  I just have zero motivation to do anything.

I am tired all of the time.  Prior to getting off my medication, I had severely restricted my soda intake, opting instead for water or tea.  But lately, I can drink two to three bottles of Mt. Dew a day and I get nothing from it.  Not even the tiniest energy boost to make it through my workday.

I know I need to force myself to keep working on my blog.  It’s something productive to do with my time and, honestly, I do feel better when I’ve done something I enjoy (or feel like I should enjoy because I’ve enjoyed it in the past).

Especially when it comes to the topic of depression and mental illnesses, I know I need to blog.  I am a very strong believer that the social stigma of depression needs to change.  We need to be able to talk about our mental illnesses in the same way we talk about our physical illnesses.  If I can add my voice to that change by discussing my illness through my blog, then all the more reason for me to push through my depression-based apathy and write.