If you’ve been keeping up with my more-sparce-than-usual-lately blog, then you know that I was on an antidepressant called Fetzima from February of this year until the end of September, when my prescription ran out and my financial situation and a switch in insurance forced me into a tough choice to go without the medication.
It’s been a rough time. At first it wasn’t too bad, but day by day I feel the mental illness creeping back in, making itself at home in the familiar crevices of my mind. I’m more irritable and I feel like crying at the drop of a hat. Negativity clouds my every thought.
This makes it hard not only for me, but for the people around me. I do a pretty good job of keeping it together at work, but my significant other has a time of it, too, just by living with me. M really does his best, though, and I love him for it.
M’s actually the reason I’m holding it together so well. He understands what I need when the depression takes an especially firm grasp. He doesn’t tell me to “just cheer up” or to “get over it,” he lets me feel whatever feeling that I’m feeling – however strongly it needs to be felt. Whether I’m crying over wanting to heat up the cheese dip for my chips or overly annoyed with the cats being cats, he doesn’t tell me that I’m overreacting or that I need to calm down or get over it.
In fact, when I do get irritated at tiny, insignificant things and take it out on him – “M, why do you always just kick your shoes off and never put them away” or “Do you always have to put your coat on in such a weird way?” – he doesn’t take it personally. He complies in situations that call for it, like putting his shoes away. Or he calls me out on it, like telling me I’m being hurtful. His honesty helps keep me grounded.
His honesty when I’m being hurtful and his validation of my feelings helps me keep my emotions in check and helps me manage my depression. I really do appreciate M standing by me as I live with this illness. He’s so supportive and I wouldn’t be handling being off of medication as well without him. He’s like a real life antidepressant, and I love him for it.
Here’s a song that I’d like to dedicate to M. I know it’s rough to deal with me when I get lost in my own head. This video is a tribute to M and to the fact that while medication does help many people, it’s not the only thing that I need to treat my depression. I need love, and M, you give it to me.
Without further ado, Anti-D by The Wombats: