Monthly Archives: October 2014

Weekly Update #41

Today I actually had motivation. I wanted to get things done. It’s a change from what feels like my usual lethargy, and a welcome one at that! I got so much done today – I checked everything off my dauntingly long to-do list!

This sudden burst of productivity makes me want to just keep chugging on and plow through this depression-based lack of energy. I’m hoping this marks an upturn in my mood, but if not, maybe accomplishing small goals every day will help me manage this illness.

Today, I cleaned my living space, played a little Minecraft with M, switched my sheets from my spring/summer cotton to my amazing,y comfortable fall/winter flannel sheets and washed my comforter for the first time in probably two months.

I also started on the second of four cross stitches that I’m making for friends and family for Christmas. Trying to get an early start this year since needlework isn’t all I’m crafting. Also, it’s hard to craft things for people when I live with them and share the space that I need to craft in with them.

The other thing I started working on is revamping my blog. My goal is to have everything redone by the start of 2015. By everything, I mean redoing the layout, the pages, the posting schedule, the post structure itself, even redefining my blog. I’m basically aiming for a fresh blogging start for the upcoming new year. It gives me something to work towards.

Other than that, I floorwalked a bunch this past week and will hopefully do it a bunch more in this upcoming week. I also have my fingers crossed for a possible interview on Monday for a promotion within the company. So, we’ll see how this all goes.

Stay tuned to find out!

Anti-D

If you’ve been keeping up with my more-sparce-than-usual-lately blog, then you know that I was on an antidepressant called Fetzima from February of this year until the end of September, when my prescription ran out and my financial situation and a switch in insurance forced me into a tough choice to go without the medication.

It’s been a rough time.  At first it wasn’t too bad, but day by day I feel the mental illness creeping back in, making itself at home in the familiar crevices of my mind.  I’m more irritable and I feel like crying at the drop of a hat.  Negativity clouds my every thought.

This makes it hard not only for me, but for the people around me.  I do a pretty good job of keeping it together at work, but my significant other has a time of it, too, just by living with me.  M really does his best, though, and I love him for it.

M’s actually the reason I’m holding it together so well.  He understands what I need when the depression takes an especially firm grasp.  He doesn’t tell me to “just cheer up” or to “get over it,” he lets me feel whatever feeling that I’m feeling – however strongly it needs to be felt.  Whether I’m crying over wanting to heat up the cheese dip for my chips or overly annoyed with the cats being cats, he doesn’t tell me that I’m overreacting or that I need to calm down or get over it.

In fact, when I do get irritated at tiny, insignificant things and take it out on him – “M, why do you always just kick your shoes off and never put them away” or “Do you always have to put your coat on in such a weird way?” – he doesn’t take it personally.  He complies in situations that call for it, like putting his shoes away.  Or he calls me out on it, like telling me I’m being hurtful.  His honesty helps keep me grounded.

His honesty when I’m being hurtful and his validation of my feelings helps me keep my emotions in check and helps me manage my depression.  I really do appreciate M standing by me as I live with this illness.  He’s so supportive and I wouldn’t be handling being off of medication as well without him.  He’s like a real life antidepressant, and I love him for it.

Here’s a song that I’d like to dedicate to M.  I know it’s rough to deal with me when I get lost in my own head.  This video is a tribute to M and to the fact that while medication does help many people, it’s not the only thing that I need to treat my depression.  I need love, and M, you give it to me.

Without further ado, Anti-D by The Wombats:

Weekly Update #40

I know it’s been about a week since I last posted. Depression is a real motivation killer for me. All I’ve wanted to do basically all week is sleep and play video games. Which is more or less what I’ve actually done with my time.

At work, I started floorwalking, which is basically me answering questions as the new hires take phone calls for a few weeks before they’re on their own. I enjoy it quite a bit. It’s actually the favorite part of my job now. I enjoy helping the new hires and sharing my knowledge. Thursday, I was asked to stay an hour later than I’m usually scheduled with the promise that on Friday I would leave an hour earlier than I’m usually scheduled. Friday comes around and I get pulled from the phones to floorwalk again. When 3:45 rolls up on the clock, I practically begged to stay longer.

I’m also bonusing finally at work, too. An extra dollar an hour! My team lead is encouraging me to apply for the same position – team lead – since some spots are apparently opening up. I would very much like to floorwalk more permanently or move up in the company to the team lead position. I feel like I have the skills to effectively do either of those jobs and I just want someone to take a chance on me. No, I don’t have the experience, but how am I going to get any if no one gives me the opportunity to gain the experience? I hope the higher ups can see the potential in me like my last two team leads have.

I started cross stitching again. It’s been probably around four or five months since I last stitched something completely from scratch. I know I finished my first cross stitch not too long ago, but that was finishing something. I’m feeling more normal now that I’m stitching. And I can’t just put it down for six more months before finishing it – I’m stitching for Christmas gifts. I’m excited to give them to the recipients!

And to bring it full circle, outside of work and stitching, I’ve been sleeping and playing Borderlands with M. We plan to play through Borderlands 2 and then the Pre-Sequel. We’ve just made it to New Haven. Not bad for a week’s worth of playing after M gets off work! I play the Hunter and M picked the Siren. We actually work really well together, although it does annoy me sometimes how M needs to explore every nook and cranny when I just want to move on to the next mission.

Do any of you play video games with your significant others? Do you play well together or not so much?

Anyway, that’s it for me. As you may have realized, posting schedule is out the window for the time being. Keep it tuned in, though, I have some cool things in the works!