I am not shy about talking about my depression. In previous posts, I go into great detail about my struggle in dealing with depression. I’ve been blogging for a little over a year now, and I’ve been through various phases of depression, with and without meds. Currently, I am now off of the medication I’ve been taking since February, Fetzima.
Unmedicated, I have to relearn how to manage my depression. It does affect my blog. I have no motivation anymore to do much else aside from sleep and mindlessly watch TV. Since I’ve yet to get the hang of scheduling posts, I still blog on a day-by-day basis of posting. A post doesn’t go live unless I write it that day.
Even now, it is a struggle to make myself type out a post. My bed is right behind me, I have Ghost Adventures playing in the background. I want nothing more than to curl up under my covers and just stare at the TV screen. I know I won’t really register the show. I’m fine with that. I just have zero motivation to do anything.
I am tired all of the time. Prior to getting off my medication, I had severely restricted my soda intake, opting instead for water or tea. But lately, I can drink two to three bottles of Mt. Dew a day and I get nothing from it. Not even the tiniest energy boost to make it through my workday.
I know I need to force myself to keep working on my blog. It’s something productive to do with my time and, honestly, I do feel better when I’ve done something I enjoy (or feel like I should enjoy because I’ve enjoyed it in the past).
Especially when it comes to the topic of depression and mental illnesses, I know I need to blog. I am a very strong believer that the social stigma of depression needs to change. We need to be able to talk about our mental illnesses in the same way we talk about our physical illnesses. If I can add my voice to that change by discussing my illness through my blog, then all the more reason for me to push through my depression-based apathy and write.
Nothing was left of the money except for a few ten and twenty dollar bills. He’d blown through the rest of the haul in a hurry just trying to get as far away from the scene as possible. And also splurging on some new threads.
He shoved the sad-looking bills in his nearly empty wallet and shoved the wallet into his back pocket. Taking a deep breath, he shouldered the black duffle bag that held the remainder of his belongings and shuffled out of the motel room.
“FREEZE!” The shout startled him. He dropped his bag and raised his hands.
So, the second half of this week kicked my ass pretty hard. Tuesday afternoon, my phone battery decided it was just done. Apple, while seeming helpful, actually did fuck all. Some personal health issues rounded up the week. At this point, not a damn thing has been resolved.
Wednesday is typically my day off, but this past week I felt like I worked more that day than any day I actually had to go to work. Woke up early, dropped my car off for an oil change, went back home to chat with Apple Support and then make a bunch of calls to places in town that Apple said would be able to fix my phone only to find out that lol jk no they can’t. Then it was a bit of a whirlwind with appointments with doctors and potential future employers.
From there, some personal health issues took off, leading me to call in to work Friday to deal with that whole can of worms I’m not going to open right now.
Saturday was a little easier. Work was fairly slow, making for an easy day. After work, I was able to take my mind off of things by going to the Celtic Festival with M and another friend of mine. It was pretty fun, except for when we ran into M’s ex. That was awkward for me. I’ve never met an ex before. I got jealous. M took the time to talk me down when we got home later that evening, which was appreciated.
Today, I’m posting from game again. I went out this morning and ran errands while M was at his H&R Block class. Got around to doing laundry finally, and just sort of took it easy on my day off. None of the issues started earlier this week have been resolved, but it was nice to just take the day as basically one deep breath after a week of frustrated yelling.
He laughed in my face. At least, that’s what his I-am-superior grin suggested. With his thick black beard only emphasizing the upward motion of the corners of his mouth.
So I punched him. Right in his face. His bearded, smirking face.
“What the fuck man?” He screamed, cradling his now-bleeding nose.
“You what the fuck, man.” I said, calmly raising my fist again. “No reason to be so uppity with me. I just asked a simple question.” My fist came down hard across his cheek.
“Goddamn, get off me!”
“Oh, I’ll get off you.” It was my turn to smile.
First full week back at my regular life since my vacation in Minneapolis, and it’s been a week! I caught up on cleaning most of the day today, and then played The Sims 3 until M and I went to game.
In fact, we’re at game right now, waiting for everyone to show up. One of my friends from work is going to join us today. She’s wanted to try tabletop gaming for a while now and since her significant other recently moved to California, she has a little extra free time. I don’t mean that the way it probably sounds. What I mean is that she was spending all her time with her SO before he left for California and now that he has left, she now has the time to spend at game. Either way, I’m excited to have her!
I fear with the change in the weather as fall approaches, I’m getting sick, yet again. Stuffy nose, scratchy throat, itchy eyes… It sounds like allergies, but the thing is I am allergic to being healthy. I’m already stocking up on orange juice and cough meds.
Other than that, I applied for a floor walking position at work. If I get the gig, it would mean time off the phones, answering questions for the newbies on the phones for the first time. I put in for a few other positions as we’ll at I’m hoping to hear back from. I’m really looking forward to bettering my skill set and furthering my career, for lack of a better word.
Well, that about does it for me today and this week. Thanks for checking out my blog and sticking with me, dear readers. It really does mean a lot to me.
Being in Minneapolis really brings me back to that time in my life. When I was still in school, mostly unemployed, going to shows all the time and hanging out with friends when I wasn’t at a concert.
Even though I was struggling with depression, I remember my time in Minneapolis fondly. In all honesty, if I hadn’t been living there when I was dealing with that particular episode, I don’t think I’d be where I am today with the disease. I started antidepressants while living in Minneapolis. Partly because of the people I met there.
Some of my best friends live up in the 612 area code. In fact, the person I commonly refer to as my platonic soul mate lives there. I’ve written about him before. His name is John Kargol and he is amazing. It was really great to see him and his lovely girlfriend Jamie, who is also a good friend of mine.
I also tend to thrive in a city setting. I do well when I can walk around a downtown and have everything I need within arm’s reach. One of my favorite things M and I did in Minneapolis was we went to a movie at a local theater. St. Anthony Main Theater, to be exact. We went to see Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For on discount Tuesday. I really liked being able to make that choice on a whim, and then have something to do while we waited for the next showtime. M and I hung out by the river and went to a cafe I’d never been to before.
But the thing I think I miss the most about Minneapolis and my life there is that I feel like I had more of a purpose back then. I had a goal I was working towards. I don’t really feel like I have that anymore. Visiting what I consider my home town, I got that feeling back again. Like I have something to strive for. I don’t know what I’m working on yet, but it’s something. I need to focus on something.
Coming back home to Iowa, I need to find that something again.
In the end, it didn’t matter. In the end, nothing ever matters. Lucy would have known this if she’d ever bothered to listen to the Linkin Park CD her first boyfriend got her back in ninth grade.
But she didn’t. Liam knew that. He turned the volume up louder to hear over the sobbing. All the time and money he’d spent on her, he deserved something other than one timid handjob and a half-hearted breakup.
He had spent years of his life on her. He was going to finally take what he was owed.
Lucy wailed as he leaned in.
This past week has been a whirlwind! M and I left right after work on Saturday for Minneapolis, then came back to Iowa on Wednesday only to leave right away again the next Saturday morning for my cousin’s wedding in Wisconsin. We just got back yesterday from everything only to work bright and early this morning.
I meant to post an update yesterday, but I ended up getting some new bookshelves as a hand-me-down from my grandmother and cleaning those up, bringing them down to the basement and transferring all my books from one cramped shelf to two nice, spacious shelves. And then I took a nap. Like a 5-year-old. A 5-year-old in her mid twenties. It was glorious.
Posting schedule will go back to normal this week. Tomorrow will be In A Hundred Words. And we’ll be back on track from there.
I bought a book a while ago called WordPress for Dummies. I just now started working through it. It’s about time I actually learned to do more than publish a post. So also expect some big changes in the near future for little old Day Old Sushi.
In other news, I’ve applied to a few new jobs. Hopefully I’ll at least get an interview for one of them.
I bought new labret studs for my lip piercing. Unfortunately, mine is stuck at the moment. The ball is screwed on too tight. And also, it’s actually the starting stud from when I got my lip pierced because I was broke for the longest time. So I’m gonna try a few tricks I’ve found on the internet here and there before I give up and go find a pierce-er and pout until they fix it.
I think that pretty much covers it. Thanks for tuning in, my lovely readers. See you all tomorrow!
I walked to work today. I missed the bus. The next available bus doesn’t come until three hours after my shift starts.
And of course, it started raining. And of course, I left my umbrella at home. And of course, it’s three days until pay-day so I can’t even pick a cheap one up from the store.
I saw one of my coworkers drive past me. Well, she stopped at a light while I was waiting to cross the street. Didn’t even roll down the window to say hello or anything.
Man, sometimes this job isn’t even worth it.