Monthly Archives: April 2014

Weekly Update #25

Another week come and gone, dear readers.  Work exhausts me, as always.  Not much happening outside of work, other than all the time I spend with M, which is nothing new.

M and I have been seriously discussing the possibility of moving in together in the near future.  “Near Future” meaning sometime in the next six months.  It’s quite exciting to discuss concrete plans for our future.  We were going through some of my old books the other day (we’re all about trading in books now, apparently) and he was geeking out over some title and I said, “Well, all of my books are now your books.  We’re gonna get married someday, so all this will be yours, too.”  And M just looks at me for a long moment and goes, “I’m so gonna marry the shit outta you.”  I’m so lucky to have found him.

There was some talk between my team lead and another team lead at work about the possibility of me floor walking for the next training class that comes out of abay (the first few weeks they take calls).  At the time, I’d just been about a month out of abay myself and the confidence wasn’t there, but I’m planning on following up with my team lead about it today.  That, and the whole ready replacement thing.  I’d like to know what the status of all of that is.  Depending on the answers I get, it might motivate me to either work harder at my current job, or work harder at finding another job.

Speaking of working harder at my current job, everyone on the floor is being asked to consider a schedule change.  Apparently, we’re gonna be staying open until 11 PM.  An eight-hour shift would be 2:30 PM to 11:00 PM.  Um, no thanks.  For multiple reasons.  I’m usually falling asleep around 10-10:30 anyway (much to M’s chagrin), and I like getting off at the same time as M.  We can leave work together, usually we can just take one car to and from work.  Even though it’s an extra $25/week, it just wasn’t worth it to me.  I mean, cheers to the people who did take the change and are getting that extra money, but I don’t think this change is going to last very long.

Anyway, I still have about 45 minutes to kill before I have to leave for work, so I’m gonna do some cleaning.  Like a responsible adult.  Or whatever.

In One Hundred Words

Hunger was eating him alive. It was devouring him from the inside out, viciously gnawing at his being. It felt like he hadn’t eaten in years. In reality, it had only been a week since his last meal.

He remembered it fondly – a prepackaged “steak” dinner. The kind of food he’d normally complain about to his coworkers after landing at his destination. His mouth watered at the memory of the steak. His eyes moistened at the memory of his coworkers.

His coworkers! He’d buried the bodies that had washed ashore in the cool sand.

…Couldn’t be worse than “steak.”

Weekly Update #24

I’ve had a streak of bad days recently.  It’s just one little annoying thing after another that adds up to one big frustrating ball of upset-ness.  Luckily, I have M around to cheer me up and keep me from burning things to the ground.  By the way, burning things to the ground is my go-to stress reliever.  Not really.  But sometimes.

Anyway, I’ve been using my mornings for productivity recently.  Usually I’m more productive at night, but work just drains so much energy out of me that laying on the couch watching whatever TV show or movie on Netflix, cuddled up with M is about all I can manage when I get home.  But since M leaves for work earlier than I do, I have a few hours in the AM to get things done before I have to get ready and go to work myself.  And I’ve found that I start my days feeling better about life if I get things done in the mornings.  I mean, work generally kills those good vibes, but it’s still nice to show up to work feeling like life isn’t terrible.

Speaking of work, my team lead is having me apply for Ready Replacement again.  I just picked up and filled out the application last night.  Updated my resume this morning to go along with it.  So, fingers crossed on that.  When I was first offered the potential opportunity for the Ready Replacement, I was thinking I’d do it just to get off the phones occasionally.  But the more I think about it, the more I really hope I land this position.  Not only will it get me off the phones now and then, but it’ll maybe even lead to a permanent TL position in the future.  I’ve never had a management position before (outside of running my own photography business), and I’d really like the opportunity to see what I can do in a structured management position like that.  I honestly don’t plan on spending the rest of my career at APAC, but having that on my resume would definitely not hurt.  And why not be the best employee I can be while I’m here?

Also, starting today, my new schedule starts.  Now, instead of having Monday/Wednesday off, I’ll have Sunday/Wednesday off.  It’ll break up my week better and allow me two days to spend with M, but I am definitely not looking forward to working close on Mondays now.  But this Sunday is Easter and while I’m not religious and don’t celebrate that aspect of the holiday, I do recognize that it’s a day for family.  I will be having brunch with M’s family in the AM, then in the afternoon, my parents have invited me and M for an early dinner (since we still have game on Sunday, as far as I know).  Since I’m writing this post ahead of time, I can’t tell you how either meal goes, but rest assured I’ll definitely write about it during the week.

If you’re religious and celebrate Easter, have a happy one!  And if not, enjoy the weekend anyway, my dear readers!

In A Hundred Words

She was choking. Drowning in words she couldn’t say, things she couldn’t express. She clawed at her throat, trying to rip the sentiments out of her windpipe.

All she wanted was to breathe. Just one gulp of air so she could keep fighting the obstruction clogging her lungs.

I love you I need you Let’s grow old together Hold my hand Don’t let go Kiss me I will always love you Don’t go.

It all stuck in her throat, stopping just beyond her tongue. All she could do was watch him and struggle in silence, wondering why he couldn’t see her choking.

Learning Curve

Let’s get a little Dr. Phil or some shit like that here for a hot minute, dear readers.  I wanna talk about my feeeeeeeelings.  Because I do have them, in case you were wondering.

The feelings I wanna talk about are related to my boyfriend.  Maybe “feelings” isn’t the best word.  “Thoughts” might be better, but not by much.  The meaning I’m aiming for is somewhere in the middle.  Theelings?  Foughts?  Whatever.

I have been in relationships before.  Several different types of them, in fact.  M (Mr. English is far too tedious for me to type out in this post that’s going to be humongous  anyway) has been in a relationship prior to our current one as well.  But this one that we’re in right now is quite different for both of us.  For me, it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship where sex isn’t the cornerstone of the relationship.  For M, it’s the first time he’s been physically intimate to this extent.

It’s a learning experience for both of us.  However, I feel like I have more of a learning curve because I have expectations of how things “should be.”  Since M’s only got one less-than-traditional relationship under his belt, he’s basically learning everything from scratch.  I, on the other hand, have things that I’m going to need to unlearn and/or relearn in a different way in order to make all the pieces fit together, so to speak.

The biggest thing that I need to learn is how to deal with M’s sexuality.  His sexuality isn’t as cut-and-dry as mine is.  I’m about 99% heterosexual.The one time he labeled his sexuality, he sort of lumped himself in under the asexual umbrella, although that might not be the best way to describe his sexuality.

I’ve always dealt with partners who know and are comfortable with their own sexuality.  So the issue with M and his non-traditional sexuality is that he’s still getting used to identifying as a sexual being (as cliche as that phrase is).  He doesn’t respond in the same way as my previous, more-experienced-than-me partners.  And since I’m used to marking my own value in a relationship by how often my partner wants to/has sex with me, M’s interest in other things and his preference to focus on me when we do get intimate throws my self-value system for a loop.

I don’t think M feels completely comfortable with his body as a sexual thing yet, and I’m sure nerves contributes to the whole thing, too.  More often than not, he’s much more interested in learning my body and how it works and what it likes than figuring out what his body responds to.

I know how terrible/awesome it sounds to A) feel like your value in a relationship is derived from your ability to get your partner off and B) have a partner so focused on learning what gets you off.  But the dichotomy there throws off my balance in the relationship.  The more the focus is on me, the more I feel like I’m not doing my part, so to speak.  It’s definitely something I need to readjust my thinking about.

Aside from all these things I need to overcome in terms of learning how to navigate my relationship with a self-described asexual virgin, there’s one thing that isn’t an issue for me anymore.  I’ve had self-esteem issues pretty much all my life. Being with M is helping me confront those demons and fully embrace myself.

Part of the reason I see my ability to fuck as one of my most important features in a relationship is because that physical act of sex reaffirms that I am attractive – that I am, in fact, worth something.  M has taught me that my worth in a relationship does not come expressly and directly from sex, but from the chemistry between us, my actual personality – the good parts and the bad parts of it – and how our personalities mesh.  How we fill in the little holes and blank spaces within one another.

It’s not a difficult pill to swallow – that I’m more than my physical appearance.  But it is a pill I’ll have to take for months before I see the benefits.  For right now, every time M stares at me with this dreamy grin on his face and tells me how beautiful I am, it gets easier and easier to believe.

Weekly Update #23

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done a proper weekly update post.  I don’t have a whole lot of time, but I did want to get something up on the blog.

Let’s see… Work is work.  They’ve got me trained in Med D, they’re forcing a schedule change because they’re no longer having Sundays available for work, and I’m not super happy about either thing.  But my team lead is pushing for me to become a Ready Replacement, which is basically a TL in training.  If it’ll get me off the phones, I’ll take it.  I am looking for another job, though.  Even if I can’t find something I love doing, nothing says I have to hate what I do for a living, either.

Still with Mr. English.  Posts about him forthcoming.  Last weekend, I had off and we went and visited some friends of his in Rockford IL.  It was a nice little get away and it was nice to meet more of his friends.  We played laser tag one night and that was an absolute blast, even if I came in 3rd-to-last.  Didn’t lose completely, though, and I count that as winning!

Just dyed my recently short hair red this morning, actually.  Haven’t said a word to anyone about it.  I like doing things like this without telling anyone because when I show up the next day or the next time someone sees me they get all surprised and I love it.  In fact, I have about half an hour before I have to leave for work, and I still need to dry and style it.  As well as actually get dressed and make myself look somewhat presentable.

Tomorrow the boyfriend and I are gonna make terrariums.  We bought some supplies two weeks ago, tomorrow we’ll go buy the plants and actually make them.  Assuming the weather holds true to its promise of being warm for once.  I’ve got a few other posts in the works, so as soon as I sit my happy ass down sometime and actually type them up, they’ll be available for you to read.  But, as you know by now, dear readers, sometimes I can be rather lazy.  And by sometimes, I mean all of the time.