Holy crap. I’ve been writing this blog for 8 weeks. How on earth did I not give up immediately and go play video games, like, the second week in? Maybe it’s cathartic to write my story in a place where strangers can read it, maybe relate to it. Maybe it’s that it’s nice having some sort of goal to work towards while I’m jobless. Maybe that’s all bullshit and I just like to pretend people are reading about my boring life. Internet attention is still attention, right? Someone (who’s not a spambot) likes my post or follows my blog and it’s like making a new friend that I’ve never spoken to and will probably never speak to. My favorite type of friend!
Enough of that. My head’s in a weird place. I was turned down for the ECC job I was planning my immediate future around. Now I’m stuck in my parent’s basement at 25 years old with no job like a fucking loser. I know that my situation is not exactly like that, but now I feel like I don’t even have anything to work towards. My one goal that I had been banking on crumbled in six cold words. “We cannot offer you a position.” We cannot offer you a position. No reason why. It’s policy at ECC Japan to not share with ECC Toronto what the reasons were. We cannot offer you a position. You’re fucked because we cannot offer you a position.
My meds aren’t working as well as they used to. And that’s part of the problem. I’m all of a sudden in this negative spiral of failure that I didn’t expect to be. The “YOU’RE A FUCKING FAILURE”s my brain keeps screaming at me blindsided me. Before I was on my meds, it was a build up to that sort of forceful self-bullying. I could brace myself. And I am trying to fight back. I keep telling everyone I’m fine because I just don’t want to talk about it. And I don’t want to fucking talk about it. I want to sit and mope for a while and work this out myself.
I need to accomplish one thing and then I feel like I can pull myself out of this hole opening beneath me. Just one thing. Just one simple thing. A goal I set for myself. A task of my own. I tried tonight. I tried to sit down and make a new friendship bracelet pattern. I couldn’t finish the first pattern I picked. It was too hard. 75 steps just to get one chunk of the pattern. Nope, too hard. The second pattern I picked, I fucked up right away. Scraped it and wasted all that embroidery floss. How is something as simple as making a fucking friendship bracelet an impossible thing for me to accomplish?
If I can manage to accomplish one small thing, then I can shout back at my brain, “I’M NOT A FUCKING FAILURE SHUT THE FUCK UP” and shove my own face into the stupid little thing I accomplished. I can breathe and believe that I can make it across this chasm that opened up and swallowed the future I wanted. I can believe that I’ll make a better future from the pieces of the old one.
I said my head was in a weird place. I know this isn’t the usual format for weekly updates, but it’s just all stuff I wanted to write. And since it’s my blog, I wrote it. And if you’re a fan of Night Vale, you’ll understand this next reference.
And now, the weather.